Dear Mother,
Is it weird I call you Mother? I used to call you Mommy when I was little but somewhere along the way I guess I figured that that was not cool for a teenager and so I started to call you Mother just like you called your own mom. I guess it works and it fits but I am not sure if it really shows how much you mean to me. Mother sounds kind of cold. Mom sounds warmer to me for some reason.
If truth be known I need to call you Mommy these days because I need comforted a little bit.
You are gradually slipping away from me. It is a slow progression but it is coming and I am fearful of the day when you no longer know who I am. I am praying that that day does not come but I am realistic enough to know that dementia is taking you from me.
You are aware that your memory is flawed and perhaps that is the most difficult thing. You know that there are gaps but what you don’t know is that some of your memories or thoughts are just downright incorrect and imagined.
I have learned to not try to explain things to you like I used to. Reasoning does not help and if anything it makes matters worse and you get agitated. So I agree, fully knowing that you are not aware of the reality, and encourage you to move on to another topic that might be a happier one for both of us.
I have learned not to say “remember” to you. I have learned to focus on positive things, to quickly turn a conversation around by changing the subject and focusing on something going on in my life instead of relentlessly asking you how things are with you. It seems selfish of me to do this and it is out of character for me but it makes you happier and that is the goal.
All I ever wanted when you moved out of your villa at Copeland Oaks was for you to be happy. Your hurting hip limited you and once you had the hip replacement I had high hopes that you would thrive in the assisted living setting, make friends, do activities and live a full life.
Unfortunately dementia has robbed you of that and we are once again faced with a move – now we will be moving you to a memory care unit. It breaks my heart and if you knew what was ahead it might break yours as well. I defer to the staff and their expertise and they believe it is best to not tell you until the day of the move so you don’t fret. I can’t wrap my head around that, I admit. I have my doubts. My heart still wants you to know ahead of time and be okay with it but I suspect that you won’t be. Your mind just does not work that way anymore and you won’t be able to understand that this is what makes sense now.
I love you so much. You have been such a wonderful mother and friend to me over the years. Of course you took wonderful care of me when I was little and I have such lovely memories embedded in my own memory of life with you. You nurtured and loved me and helped to make me the person that I am today. For that I am grateful.
What I remember in our recent past was when I started to make it a priority to spend time with you. Somewhere along the way after I stopped working I realized that these were times I just needed to make happen. When I moved to Iowa I realized that it was important for me to spend time with you and to really make an effort. So I did and I have. We have had some great adventures over the years. I would come and visit you and spend 5 days or more with you at a time and we would find all kinds of things to do. We made memories. I cherish those.
Our visits are a bit shorter now. You get tired and overwhelmed much easier and when I visit I have to be careful to not try to “do” everything for you. I have to remember that I am just there to spend time with you. I am not there to “fix” things or to do a big project of cleaning up your closet. I am there to just be with you.
I am sad I am losing you bit by bit. But grateful, oh so very grateful, that I still have the physical you to hug and be with. I am so grateful that every time we talk you tell me how much you love me and how proud you are of me. Little ole’ me.
Well, guess what? I am pretty doggone proud of you as well and even if you don’t realize it now you continue to be a pretty amazing woman. Dementia won’t ever take that away.
Happy Mother’s Day. I love you.
Beth Ann
56 Comments
Leave a commentThanks for writing this! I haven’t taken time to articulate these thoughts in any organized way, like in my journal…. And this points out how important that might be as I work through this whole adventure, too. I DO have great memories, too. We have been so blessed. I remember the dreaded “hash nights” but I also remember lovely family nights with games and crafts and special treats! And the birthday parties!! Mother was certainly creative and thoughtful and always, loving, even through the awful teenage years for me.
Oh, and *I* remember not calling her “Mom” because she didn’t like it. Mommy was OK, Mom was not… I never understood her dislike of it but maybe it was because it was a sign I was growing up??? Out of the Mommy stage… Well, I feel, like you, I want to call her Mommy now. We’ll all get through this, somehow, with God’s mothering love surrounding us all.
(And, I love you, too, sissy!)
I love you, too. We are in difficult times but I am so very grateful for my 3 siblings as we work through this together. It makes it so much easier to oboe that we all support and love one another.
Prayers for peace and blessings for you and your Mom.
Thank you, my friend. It’s all a journey.
Oh Beth Ann, this made me tear up… I know what you are going through and I wish I could give you a hug and tell you it’ll be ok. All the things you are doing and are told to do are what will make things more manageable. It is so very hard but I know you will do what needs to be done. Sending you love and hugs! xo
Oh shoot— didn’t mean to make everyone cry. It just helped me to write it down, you know? Thanks for the hugs and love. I feel them across the miles!
Oh Beth Ann. I cried through most of this. I’m sorry you both have to go through this. I wonder too at how to tell someone they’re moving to a new and less homey place. Hugs to you both.
I did not mean to make everyone cry although I admit I did when I wrote it. The move will be fine because they really care about her there but it is just tough, you know? She will have her own things still but a smaller space with more attention which is what she needs.
Beautiful words. Hugs to you! 💞
Thank you, Sonia!!!
Oh gosh, Beth Ann. My eyes are full of tears for you, your Mom and all who suffer with the effects of dementia. It’s a beautiful but sad letter. I’m so sorry you are going through this. And I will tell you, as someone who lost their Mom 7 years ago, that there are still times I want my Mommy (especially lately). You never let go, even after they are gone. But it becomes bittersweet – emphasis on the sweet. They are always with you in some form or another. And I know without a doubt that I will see her, my Dad, my Grandma, and my 2 nephews again.
Oh shoot! I did not mean to make everyone cry! It is all part of life and a journey many have been on before me. I miss my daddy every day and am so grateful I still have my mom around. I have a great support system and she is in a great place so I focus on that.
What a heartfelt, loving and painful post. I wish I couldn’t relate, but I can. This stage of life, of watching our mothers lose their memories is beyond difficult. Some days I just want my sweet mom to take care of me, to be the child again. But the reality is that we, her children, are now caring for her indirectly. I am cognizant of the importance of every visit with her. And I know you are, also, with your mom.
May peace be yours, my friend. Peace.
Thank you. I know that I am not alone in this and am drawing on the experiences of others and reading a lot. It is never easy but we will get through it just as you will get through your own mom’s struggle.
Praying for you and your Mom. Your families, too
Thanks so much! It helped to write it out.
This is so sweet… It’s amazing how well you wear your heart on your sleeve! Hold on to those memories, they will serve you well in the future. My thoughts and prayers are with you Beth Ann.
Thank you so much, Josh. It helps to write it all down and get it out. I do have wonderful memories and try to make more every time I see her.
This is sweet and heartbreaking. Dementia is so very painful and hard on everyone. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you, Miranda. So many experience far worse than what we are going through with my mom and I realize that. Hers is a lot of forgetfulness and incorrect perceptions but she always tells me how much she loves me . Always. So that is what I choose to focus on.
Dittos Josh…I’ve blogged about my mother’s struggle with celiac hypothyroid brainfog, sleepiness, scattered brain, and all that goes with that, because that’s in the past. She is a proud poster girl for recovery from it. (She will talk, in real life, about her, my, and other people’s past health problems, in much more detail than Blogspot allows.) If she developed incurable dementia I don’t think I’d be able to write about that.
Priscilla— it helps me to write it out for some reason and even if I don’t publish it all the actual writing helps . All part of how I process things.
Crying as I read this because it so resonates with me and my mommy. Your mother is a pure gem and you are so blessed to be her daughter and she is so blessed to be your mom! These are such hard steps to take and so much of it just doesn’t feel right. But you are doing it the right way. I’m ahead of you on this journey; my mother usually has no idea who I am. And that is ok. Because I remember when she did know and love me so well. Your memories of times with your mom will help to sustain you. And even now, when I wish I could ask my mother for advice I can hear her voice in my head giving me her reasonable and calm wisdom. Bless you as you walk this path. Always here to listen and love.
You have been such an inspiration to me on this topic. The grace and dignity that you give your mother is so apparent and I know in my heart of hearts that you have done the very best for her. Your love shines through. Thank you for your love and support. And for your wisdom! ❤️
Beth, you are truly an inspiration! That was a beautiful post, yes, I’m a bit teary, and no you shouldn’t apologize for it. I found that one of the most difficult part when I experienced a similar situation is that it is often too easy to say, “No, mom…that’s not right.” You have realized some very important things – that it’s not your job to try to do things for her, or to try to rewrite her history. That however she is on any given day is just perfect. I love your gratitude for her physical hugs. My heart is with you… ~ Lynn
Lynn, thanks so much for your sweet words. it is a process and I am learning each day but I am so fortunate to have so many wonderful memories. Not every daughter can say that. But I do and I cherish those. We always had a very close relationship even when I was a teenager so there is that to draw from and I think that is what helps me know that this phase is just that — a phase–the real person she is is still there but hidden at times and if I can just remember that I can handle it a bit better. Thanks again so much for your sweet words. I have the best readers.
Beth Ann, that was beautiful. I’m with Paula, thank you for so ably articulating what we all feel. I only wish that “Mother” (also “mommy” to me, until probably high school, when it became just too uncool a name, for a teenager to utter… And, never “mom” for me, either) could read and absorb those sentiments, but we are probably beyond that, now. More painful times ahead, I’m afraid, and I really dread the next move. I hope the staff is correct in not giving advance notice; it seems kind of cruel, but they are the experts in this situation, I guess, and we’ll have to trust that they know what is best…
We are all in this together, thank goodness, and the support we offer each other is so treasured. What would I do without my sister and brothers? Love you, Mark!
What a beautiful tribute to your mother!
Not only do you cherish what you have in her to cherish now but you cling tenaciously to the woman and mother she was before this devastating disease stole that from the two of you. And this makes it so much easier to see through this mantle of dementia that hides her from you day by day.
You brought me to tears as I continue to miss my gentle, sweet father … gone 11 years now but again whole in heaven. But don’t apologize for causing the tears as we’ve all earned them in one way or another and they, too, are healing!
Prayers and hugs.
JoEllen
Thanks so much, JoEllen. Your sweet letter and support have been so helpful and I know that this journey we are on is one that is not an easy one but I am learning so much from others about the whole process. I do cherish each moment with her and our phone call last night was a good one so I count that as joy. Thanks again so much for your support and kind words.
♥ Just being with someone and not trying to “fix it” it is so difficult and possible one of the greatest gift (IMO)that you can give another someone. By any name she is still a rose and so are you.
Thanks, Katybeth. Just being is sometimes the hardest thing but that is what I have decided is the thing that is needed. I just have to cling to that!
This is a beautiful tribute to your mom. I know she knows how much you love her. Happy mothers day to you both this weekend!
Thanks, Jeni!
These are tough times for many of us. You said this beautifully. I’m sorry to hear you have to move your mom again. But you are a mom too, so I wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. Xo
Thanks so much, Darlene. We have had kind of a tough year with Carlton and my mom but we will get through it. We always have each other for support and that is a wonderful thing. Happy Mother’s Day to you as well.
Sending hugs across the ocean. xo
You and your Mother and family are in our prayers. We had some very happy memories of just being with our Dad in the memory care unit, not rushing around to go somewhere, just enjoying the beauty of the day. Sometimes they have music for the people that are there and you can see their eyes light up. Many of the patients loved it when they brought the therapy dogs to visit. I am glad you and Paula are able to visit often. We will be thinking of you and hope you have some good memories, too.
Oh Beth Ann, your post is thoughtfully and lovingly written. It’s so difficult to watch as parents age, face health issues that we hoped would never surface, and as we prepare to let them go. I personally did not have to deal with dementia in either my parents or my in-laws but some of my relatives and friends have traveled this same path you are on. It sounds to me like you are facing it with strength and wisdom and giving your dear mom the dignity she deserves. Saying a little prayer for you and your mother right now. <3
This is beautiful, Beth Ann. I wish I could be there to give you a hug. You are an amazing daughter, mother, and friend. Love you!!
Oh my heart. I’m so missing my mom. Sending big hugs to both you and your mom.
Our moms are so important in our lives, aren’t they? So sorry you are missing yours as well. Thanks for stopping by.
Such a hard thing to go through. My Grandmother is in the same place right now. She luckily still remembers everyone, but she her short term memory is failing pretty badly. And like your Mom it keeps getting worse.
So sorry you are going though this- sending prayers your way!
[…] and I had to share a bit with my readers just because. I figure if you read the sad posts like the letter to my mom you deserve to read a happier post. By the way, thank you to all of you who have offered your […]
Hugs to you….my mom had physical limitations toward the end, but we didn’t deal with dementia. My mother-in-law did, though, and it is so painful for everyone. I love that your mom still tells you she loves you and is proud of you.
Thank you so much! I debated writing the post but after I did I realized that I really needed to. Plus it has opened the doors for others to share their experiences with me as well and that has been really helpful as well. Thanks for your sweet comment.
Oh, my friend. I’m hurting for you. The mind is so beautiful and so fragile, and impacts the hearts of the rest of us. I’ve seen this happen to so many and know how it hurts. Thank you for sharing your story, and your mom, with all of us. Sending you so much love.
Thanks so much, Andrea. The move is set for next week and I am not going to be there for it but my brother and sister will be. It’s not gonna be easy.
You are both blessed to have each other. Thank you for writing such a candid story of how your Mom has impacted you and how you have learned to roll with the punches, as they say. I know that you have inspired many by writing your thoughts, as it will help someone else deal with what dementia tosses their way. Hugs across the miles, my friend.
Thanks, Sara. We are blessed indeed and the truth of the matter is that as we have gone through this with my mom my siblings have all bonded together and been working towards the best solution for her and her care. I debated writing and publishing this but it seems to have struck a chord with many people already so hopefully you are right and it will help someone else. I may have to do updates as we continue on this journey. It helps to write it out. As always thanks for the support across the miles. Miss you.
God Bless you and your Mother. Your blog post shows the depth of love you have for your Mother. Parents are our gift from God while we are on Earth. I was blessed with wonderful and outstanding parents just like you.
Laura, Thank you so much for your kind words. I know you have been without your parents for a while and it is such a hard thing to lose them. That is why I am so grateful that I have my mom and will do whatever I can to ensure she is safe and as happy as she can be. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words. They mean a lot.
Beth Ann, I just read this and my heart is breaking for both of you! I’ve had friends in this very same situation, and I know it’s a challenge all around. My own mom is fine mentally but having many physical issues. That’s difficult, too, but at least we can communicate. Please know I’m saying prayers for you — and you know what? You and God are stronger than your fears!
Thanks so much, Debbie. We are leaning on our God and know that He is there ahead of us and will not leave us or our mom during this time. IT is just difficult to watch and know how to deal with it and what to say to her sometimes but we all are managing in our own way to handle it. Bottom line–we love her and that is all that matters.
Beth Ann, I am so sorry you are going through this. Know that I love you. Prayers
Thanks so much, Dianne. It has been a challenging time but we are getting through it and know that we are doing what is best for her. She still has a lot of clarity at times and knows us and we are clinging to those memories that make us smile.