It is a year of firsts in many ways.
I have been thinking about that a lot these days.
It is the first Mother’s Day for our daughter in law, Wendy, and one that will be the first of many with sweet Baby Theo. I remember those first Mother’s Days. They hold a very special place in my memories.
It is also the first Mother’s Day without my own mom. I know that not everyone has or had a good relationship with their mom and for various reasons Mother’s Day is not a day to celebrate. I understand that and I try to be sensitive to those who have struggled with the day for various reasons. Whether it is strained relationships or infertility issues it can be a really tough day. But today I am not speaking to those people. I am speaking for myself and from my own perspective. So if you can’t read further – please don’t. Because I miss my mom.
I think it hit me hard two weeks ago that Mother’s Day was coming and I was motherless this year. While my mom had been unable to really “celebrate” the past few years I still felt like we had that connection. Even when her memory was fading and her mind was confused I knew deep down she was still aware of our relationship and how special it was. I was, and continue to be, grateful. Because she really was a good mom.
So what happens when you no longer have a mom living on earth? You grieve every single day. You talk to others who have lost their own moms. You share stories and memories. You cry. But you also smile because you had those experiences.
My mom believed in me. She was always proud of me. She always listened. I honestly do not remember a time when she was too busy to sit down and listen to me. In high school when I was the last child at home we had a really close relationship. I told her things she later told me she wished I hadn’t because it was hard for her to be the mother and not the friend at that point. I was always very open with her and shared things that maybe other daughters didn’t but it worked.
Later on after I was no longer working and had more time and means to travel a bit it was my joy to be able to go spend a week with her at a time. We went on adventures. We made cards. We talked and laughed. I taught her how to cut a pineapple because she loved fresh pineapple but was intimidated by buying whole ones. I hid bunnies and notes in her house for her to find later. It is those days that I remember and that make me smile.
But as I type this I am very sad because I can no longer hold her hand or hug her neck. I can no longer go visit her and get that support and love that I always had with her.
As her life ended on Christmas Day 2020 something in me ended as well and it hurts. More than I thought it would. Despite all of the memories and love we shared it still leaves a huge hole in my heart that I pray will lessen with time.
But for now, for this first Mother’s Day without her, I will allow myself to be just a little bit sad and reflective. I will allow myself to be what I need to be and do what I need to do. I might hug my loved ones a little bit tighter and hold on a little bit longer.
Thanks, Mother, for the love and the memories that I am so fortunate to have. Enjoy your first Mother’s Day in heaven and know how much you are loved.
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Your mama was such a special lady!! I still have memories in Facebook how she told me she’d watch for the little blue car in front of my folk’s house, and open her guest room to me when the house next door was too crowded!! Tears in my eyes as I tell you, you will always miss your mama every day, as I do mine – what a great tribute to a wonderful lady!!Love & hugs!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read. It is just hard to wrap my head around the fact that she is gone . You know? She loved you!
I am feeling all the same thoughts, my dear. The first time in my life I won´t have a mother to wish Happy Mother´s Day too. But I’m thankful everyday for the wonderful mother I had as you are. ❤
My mom has been gone for 2 1/2 years and the sadness still comes in waves. She was the first one I would call for advice because she would listen. I still want to talk to her, the mom I knew as an adult (before her health deteriorated). In our camper, we use their old towels and I think about her each time I reach for a towel. Little things like that are constant reminders.
Thinking of you and living you!
Will be thinking of you this Mother’s Day.
Oh, Beth Ann, what a beautiful, yet heartbreaking, post. I knew this Mother’s Day would be especially difficult for you. Feel my love and my hug. And continue to embrace the loving memories of your dear mama.
Your post is so heartfelt and lovely. It’s okay to continue that grief because when we lose our mothers, it’s like losing a big part of ourselves. Being the last child at home also, I was very close to my mother too. That first Mother’s Day without her was SO HARD, I didn’t even want to celebrate it. I refused to go to our church’s mother-daughter celebration and then my wise father sat me down and told me he still grieved over losing his mom (some 45 years before) so he understood. BUT he told me, “You are a mother, so you need to celebrate Mother’s Day because your mom would want you to focus on that. Celebrate it for your children.” Sending you hugs and prayers that it will be a day of fond memories, lovely thoughts, and gratitude for the blessing that was your mother.
What a lovely post, Beth Ann. The first Mother’s Day without our beautiful Mothers is hard but hold on to the sweet sweet memories. We never get over losing our Mothers
but is does get easier some over time, Know she is always smiling down at you.
My sweet Mother has been gone since 2006 and I think of her daily. I hope you have a nice Mother’s Day.
Big Hug. <3
Aw, this is so sweet! I’m blessed to still have my mom (even though we go ’round and ’round at times!). This post reminds me of something a friend once said upon losing her own mom: “Now I’m an orphan.” Almost broke my heart. To have a close, loving relationship with a parent is a special blessing. I imagine your mom is looking down from Heaven and smiling today, Beth Ann.
These kind of firsts are so hard. I can’t say it gets all better with time, it doesn’t, at least not in my experience. But the intense, jagged, slashing pain does soften with the passage of years. For a long time I couldn’t go past the intensly pink mother’s day cards without crying. Now I can, with just a little smile as I think about her. Your mom was wonderful, she always will be. She’s there with you, and I know you feel her around in your own way, based on your personal relationship with her. Hugs.