Change is hard sometimes.
Letting go is part of my life now and I have to admit that I am struggling a bit.
Christmas has always meant family time and for years we have enjoyed the company of our sons and their significant others over the holidays.
But times are changing and I am learning that I must change with them as well.
I have talked to quite a few empty nesters who struggle with the same thing so I know that I am in good company.
Family time is just so important to me. I love my boys and the women they have chosen to share their lives with. I could not have picked more perfect matches for either one of them and it truly makes my heart happy.
But as the mother of a son it also means that I have to share their hearts now. I think it might be a little bit different than it is with a daughter. A daughter naturally gravitates towards home.
Towards her mother.
The bond is unique.
I know that I feel that way about my mom. I still need her to be my mom.
When a son marries or finds a partner the dynamics can sometimes shift a bit and of course the wife becomes his focus. That is as it should be. You get no argument from me about that. After all that is what I did when I married Chris. I left my parents and started new traditions and a new family. It’s all part of the cycle of life.
I have had to have a long hard talk with myself recently and realize that I am now a mother in law. That means I have to let go.
It means that it is okay that my sons are starting their own traditions.
It means that I need to quit being overly sensitive.
I am realizing that holidays do not mean that each member of our family has to be there in order to enjoy the holiday.
Life is full of changes. If anyone should know that it is me.
Even if miles separate us at the holidays it does not mean that my children love me any less.
The bonus — I now have “daughters” who love my boys as much as I do and who will be by their side when I can’t be.
It’s all part of growing up, letting go and realizing that my job as parent is changing. And that is a good thing.
A very good thing.
Our children are ALWAYS in our hearts. Nothing will ever change that.
As we celebrate Christmas this year our family may be scattered a bit but our hearts will all be together.
Merry Christmas.
32 Comments
Leave a commentYes, yes, yes. I agree with every word. We call it “shifting gears” as the new season or change in life happens. We have to adjust our hearts and our minds. I know that you are one who will (and is) making that shift. And you will seek and find Christmas joy and peace and it will be ok. Different, but ok. As mother-in-laws that is one of the best gifts that we can give – letting go so our children can “leave and cleave.” I have found that doing so grows the love in the family. Praying for you, dear friend, as we both navigate this new space.
You are so wise and that is why I cherish your words, Virginia. You have shown me how it is to be a gracious mother in law and what an example you are. I hope I can do just half as well as you do and I will be happy with that! Thank you always for your encouragement and your prayers. I depend up on them!
Ahh…it’s just life, isn’t it? Merry, merry Christmas!
It is just life! And I am getting used to it and embracing it because it is all good!
Beth Ann,
I will be praying for you this holiday as you adjust to change. It is very hard to adjust sharing your children’s time at holidays. But, I have found it more difficult to adjust to the holidays after losing our mothers. They embraced all of our family holiday traditions and now as we try to carry on some of that tradition and add some new ones there is still a feeling of loss. It is part of life and we have to adjust to the change, but it still does not take away the empty feeling. I think you were still here when Sue and Charles undecorated
and put up a fresh tree on Christmas eve so our family would not have a dead tree on Christmas day. They are memories to cherish. Try and do some of your traditions even though you have empty chairs and as you look around at the empty be very thankful for life, love and our Savior being born. Love you bunches, your present will be a little late☹ there is a story behind that. Maybe Ann will share that story. Merry Christmas
Oh Judy. Your words are so true and I think this year it is hitting me a little bit hard because I am not going to be with my own mom at Christmas either. It is a decision we made and I have to realize that I have made those same decisions that affected my own mom. With her memory deteriorating and her health not as great as it once was it is a struggle sometimes but I still need my mom. I know you feel the same way and that you miss yours so very much. I am happy that we have some great memories of years gone by and that there will be more. I was just feeling a bit melancholy for a bit and had to write it all out. 🙂 Love you and miss you so much! Gotta make a Mooresville trip soon!
As a Mom of 3 Sons I understand completely! They are scattered and living their own dreams. I love watching how their lives are unfolding and cherish the memories of how they have gotten there. Grandchildren will be coming! Ahhhh more to love about them moving on ❤️ Merry Christmas!
You have such a great and positive outlook and yes—I love how my boys have begun to live out their own dreams. After all it is what we raised them to be able to do. To be independent and successful and mature. And I do have some really amazing memories and am looking forward to making more with them and their sweet women as well. Life is good. Change is good.
Oh yes, Beth Ann, how well I know this feeling. When being together as a family is so important to us, it’s hard to see the empty chairs around the table. And the larger our family gets with grandchildren added in, the harder it is to get everyone together in one place. I’ll take those moments as they come and treasure them. Your post was spot-on for me today as our planned family Christmas has taken a new twist with the sudden death of my daughter-in-law’s grandmother.
Oh no. I am so sorry. I did see that on Facebook. Yes, it does take twists and turns but our families know of our love and that is all that matters, right?
I know exactly what you mean, even if I have daughters who are married and not sons. It’s difficult, this sharing thing. But I am adjusting, just as I had to adjust to the geographical distances that separate me from my second daughter and from my son.
That all said, I sometimes have to tamp down jealousy when I see others who have all of their family nearby and together. It’s especially difficult for me when I attend extended family gatherings and I am the only sibling with no children there. Sigh.
But I love your attitude that we all remain close in heart no matter the distance that separates us.
I pray you carry that outlook into Christmas as you adjust to the changes in your family gatherings and traditions.
Thanks, Audrey. It takes a strong person to admit to a bit of jealousy when others have family around and I can understand that feeling 100%. I have never lived close to family. Even as a child we never lived close to our grandparents due to my dad’s job as a pastor. That was just not an option. But that did not diminish my affection and love for them. So that is what I am learning as a mother in law and mother in law to be — it does not mean that I am being replaced. The relationship may change a bit but it is all for the good and how can I be sad when my boys are so very happy? I can’t be. It’s all part of the cycle of life and it is a good thing. I just have to realize that. Thanks for your thoughts. I got so many great thoughts here and on Facebook today that I know that I am in good company.
I think about this sometimes. I still have some time to think about and get used to the thought that things will change and with it new traditions will be made. It’s not always a bad thing… but like you I’m not big on changes and it stresses me a bit but I try to go with the flow as much ad possible.
New traditions are good and I am learning that with each passing day that I am blessed to have had as many wonderful holidays with the whole family together as I have had. I am sure my mom can understand since none of us are going to be with her this Christmas day either. It is those transitions that make me appreciate what time I do have with my family –and it does not have to be on a holiday, does it?
I can related to this already with a girlfriend in the picture for R! It is hard and I agree, I believe the bond is different for daughters to their families! One thing I’ve learned from my mom and she’s always preached (my entire life) is that it isn’t about the DAY, it’s about WHO is there! 🙂 Merry Christmas and love and hugs to you!
Yes! Your mom is exactly right it is about the people! I know that I still have a special place in the hearts of my boys –there is no doubt about that —but now I have to share them a bit more. I am learning!
The first Christmas neither of my kids were at home was hard for me but it´s life. You start making new traditions. Then later when they all come home, with their own children, you wonder how you will be able to cope!! Life is funny that way. We have never had two Christmases the same! I finally realized that Christmas is in your heart, no matter where you are or who you are with. It took me a while but I´m OK with it now. Have a wonderful Christmas with Mr. Diamond!!
You are EXACTLY right on that—Christmas is in your heart and distance makes no difference. Thank you for your wonderful words and insight—it is good to hear from so many that they have experienced the same feelings.
Aw…..I can imagine how difficult it is. Thankfully, Marshall lives nearby, so we see each other often. Moms and sons have a special bond!
Mothers and sons do have a special bond. I know that I will probably never live close to either of my sons and moving has always been a part of my life so I am not sure why this “season” has been so difficult for me. But I truly love their “girls” and know that I am gaining the daughters I never had which is wonderful!
OT but it *is* distracting: Why is the text on this post showing up as pale, pale, palest grey on white?
Hmm. I am not sure if I changed something without knowing it. It does not look any different on my laptop but maybe I accidentally changed a setting someplace. I will have to do some detective work. 🙂
A wonderful post and how very true.
Thanks, Laura. I am always learning!
Merry Christmas, Beth Ann. What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing such overruled sentiments. I hope you and the Mr. have a wonderful holiday.
Thanks, Andrea. We will have a wonderful holiday! I have loved seeing your pictures of lighting the candles with your sweet girl this year!
Totally agree with everything you are feeling and have written…. but very much looking forward to the times when grandchildren are added to the mix😀
You get it, right? Because you are living it as well. And yes—looking forward to that day as well!
A son is a son until he takes a wife..a daughter is daughter all of her life? I don’t buy it. I am guessing your boys are struggling with the change as well. I applaud your willingness to move forward—but I wouldn’t applaud less if you were a bit wicked about it too…just a little around the edges. And please don’t be passive aggressive about it…just be flat out wicked…just a little…just enough to make you cackle to yourself late at night. . And P.S. Mr Diamond must buy you an exceptional Christmas present that is all about YOU. Or if that is not how your relationship works (I will never understand) but you must make the purchase or grab the experience for yourself.
I think everyone handles this differently and I just want to be a good mother in law. Me Diamond spoils me like crazy. Case in point— 3 weeks at the beach. 😊
You’re family is growing! More love to share! Hope you had a merry Christmas!
Our family IS growing and it is so exciting. Love my new daughters!