I have to admit that I have a tendency to hold a grudge. I “say” that I don’t. I say that I forgive and all of that but in reality it hit me smack in the face that I have been very guilty of not forgetting and forgiving. Today I read an article about a man who had said something to me in the past that really hurt me. It was a conversation that happened the day after we had to put my father in law into a care facility because we were just not able to handle his care on our own. It was a hard decision. Very hard. And one that we felt had to be made. So maybe I was particularly raw that day when I had this conversation with this gentleman—I am sure I was but his words cut to my core. He suggested that we were wrong in doing what we were doing and compared his care of his mother to how we were caring for my father in law. He said that they were keeping her in her home—arranging it all so that she could stay there and that we should do the same. Now remember that I really did not have a relationship with this man. I was in his business to browse and the conversation started and is usual in my case evolved into quite a long and detailed account of his life and mine. I left the business hurt and upset and vowed to never go back there again and I haven’t. And I have not forgotten that conversation.
So today I read an article about this same man. About an operation that went south. It went REALLY south and he ended up losing a limb and fingers and all because of a surgery that was in no way related to what eventually happened to him. It is very sad. And I thought about that encounter months ago and how upset I was at his words and his insistence that we were doing wrong by my father in law. The words still sting. The advice he gave me was unwanted. But do I wish that he had horrible things happen to him later? No way. I read the lengthy article about this man and was caught up in his struggle and even though it does not excuse his words to me maybe it is softening my heart a bit. He is a fighter and I am convinced after reading of his spirit and of his determination that he will handle this tragedy with grace and dignity and come out very well in the end.
It makes me think about my words and how often I may have been guilty of the same things. I try to not offer unwanted advice and am very careful with my opinions but I am sure this man had no idea how his words affected me at the time so perhaps I have been guilty of the same. I am trying to not hold a grudge. There is so much I need to work on.