“I just want to go home.”
It is a common phrase for many people but most often it is a phrase that is heard in nursing homes and care centers.
This has been what I have heard all week during my visit with my mom. I get it. A nursing home is not the idea of home to very many people. Unfortunately it is the reality at the moment for many and coming to terms with this fact is so very difficult.
My mom has been recovering from a bout of congestive heart failure in August. It has been a slow and difficult process and she is finally to the point where therapy is no longer helping and she is pretty much as good as she is going to get. The difficulty comes in when she wants to “prove” that she can do it.
Independence is a huge thing to anyone but to someone who has prided themselves for years of living independently it is a huge challenge to be confined to a chair that has an alarm on it that goes off every time she attempts to get up. While we all try to reinforce that it is for her safety she just can not wrap her head around that and instead gets mad like a child . It is kind of like dealing with a toddler at this point.
This past week she kept telling me that she just wants to go home. I understand.
Home is not a room where people are coming and going constantly.
Home is not a busy hallway with nursing staff, walkie talkies and other residents making noise constantly.
Home is not being taken to meals and then being left sitting in the centrum until someone can take you back to your room.
Home is not an uncomfortable hospital bed.
So I asked her what home was. My mom’s idea of home now is kind of a jumble of a lot of things -none of which are actually home. She supposedly lives close to one of her sons. That has never been the case. Home also is a place where there are others who are like her and there are people that take care of her and get her meals, do her laundry, etc. That is something that actually was true in her previous Memory Care unit. Home has an outside space and a garden.
The decision was made by the staff that she can no longer go back to her most recent memory care unit. The good news is that there is a room available in the Memory Lane unit that houses residents who are at her level. So this past week we made the tough decision to make another move to that unit. I truly believe it is going to be a good fit.
Will it be home? Well, probably not. We have tried to put items in the room that will make her feel comfortable. Things that have meaning to her and that she might recognize. But at this point every day is different. Dementia is like that.
What have I learned during this journey?
That there are so many other families out there who are going through very similar things.
There are wonderful trained staff who truly care about their residents and who work tirelessly to make each resident feel like they are “home” wherever that is.
I have learned that I can’t beat myself up about not being present for her 24/7. It is not possible nor is it a healthy thing for either of us.
The journey continues and I continue to learn. Moving day for my mom is scheduled for today. I won’t be there but I know it will be handled by the staff and that I can trust them to make it as easy for her as it can possibly be.
Home. A word that means a lot of things but to my mom today it hopefully will be her new room in Memory Lane at Copeland Oaks.
38 Comments
Leave a commentDavid’s dear mom would put her coat on and patiently wait by the door for her parents to come pick her up. This was when she was still living in her home with David’s sister. It is a sad and terrible disease. Your family is in our prayers.
I have few words. Just love and prayers for all of you and memories of what a good friend your mama was to mine and how sweet your mama has always been to me 💜
Thanks so much, Kathy. I really do appreciate all of the prayers and thoughts coming our way.
My heart breaks for you that you AND your mom are going through this….. Although my mom didn’t have dementia, she lost all physical ability a couple of years before she passed. She was in a convalescent center, and it most definitely was not home. Heartfelt post today, and please know that thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thanks so much, Dianna. I know that a lot of people go through the same type of thing but it is something that we all have to come to terms with in our own ways. I am sorry that your mom suffered physically. For my mom I think the limitations her body is imposing on her is another factor of wanting to feel like she can go home or back to the point where she could do the things that she loved to do. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers–they help more than you could know.
Aww Beth, my heart hurts for you. We just moved Mom down here to Charlotte and fortunately her situation is different than your moms, but the words that struck me the most were, “I can’t be there 24/7 and it isn’t healthy for either of us”. I’m finally feeling “ok” to not Run over to check on her every day. It is such a journey to move our parents to the next stage of their lives. Yes, our generation are all going through this! ❤️
I wondered if you had moved your mom and I am glad she is closer to you now. It is a different place to be in, that is for sure, to be taking care of our parents but it is where we are at and we all do what we can to make the best choices for our loved ones. I am sure your mom loves being closer to you!
Yes. I know. My mother asks for her mother and says she wants to go home too. I tell her that she will go home soon and she will see her mama. I tell her how much her mama loves her and can’t wait to see her.
I tell her that this place is where she is to wait until she can go home.
This seems to soothe her.
I love that your mom has a sense of what home is. I love that you asked her.
And we are moving her next week to a newer facility. It should be a good move for both of us. She has been at this place for 14 years and I have been unhappy the last two years.
Much love to you and your sweet mom.
You say all the same things I say. I have taken a lot of cues from you and from your love and care of your mother over the past 14 years. How could it be that long? You are the example of a very caring daughter and I know that your mom has had the best she could have. I will be praying for her move to the new facility — and that she adjusts and adapts easily. Love you.
“Home is where the heart is…..”. I just reassured my wife of that this weekend in some random moment. In the context of your story, I realize that “home” becomes an elusive thing when we think of it this way. May be “home” changes as our lives change. Here is my new definition of home. Home is (if we are fortunate) a place where we are surrounded by people who love and care for us. Best wishes to your mom and your family. She is in a place with people that love and care for her.
You are exactly correct about that, Bill, and I know that you know you have a wonderful home. Thanks for your continued love and support of my mom.
❤️
You understand. The Village will get us through it.
Praying for you and your Mom at this time of change.you have me pondering the idea of “home”- is it a place where everything is fine again?
Thanks so much. I think home is many things to her but comfortable and where she can do all of the things that she loved to do is what I think she is looking for now. Her body is limiting her and it is frustrating her to no end. I understand that and wish I could wave a magic wand but that is not up to me.
Along with your other readers, my heart aches for you and your family too as you make these decisions for your mom’s care. Hard but necessary. I often wonder as I hear others talk about their elderly parents expressing their desire to go ‘home,’ if they don’t actually mean they are ready to go to their heavenly home. My mom lingered with cancer in a coma before she passed so she didn’t express that because she didn’t respond to us, but my 90-year-old dad was lucid and very much actively aware before he passed and he expressed he was ready to go ‘home’ even though he was still in his own home.
My mom is so ready to go to heaven and almost every conversation centers around that now. She has been ready for years but it is not time yet so we have to help her find an earthly home that helps her feel like she is safe and secure. It’s not easy, is it?
I empathize. I wish I didn’t understand. But I do. Praying for your peace and your mom’s peace as she makes yet another move (which really is the right thing).
I know you do understand. It is just not where I had thought we would be but it is reality and we are all living it together. There are so many others who are in the same situation and I know that there is strength in sharing the stories and experiences. Thanks for your kind words and prayers.
My heart is heavy for you, Beth Ann. This is not a easy path for anyone. Your sweet mother is in our Lord’s hands now.
Thank you so much for the kind words, Shirley. I take them all to heart and know that she is in the best place. Sometimes it helps to write it down and share it. Others are on the same journey.
It must be so hard to lose the ability to do things you used to do. I can imagine those losses must feel like a lot. I remember helping my mom care for her mother who had dementia for almost a decade. I remember how much everyone loved it when she would play the piano.
That is a nice memory of her playing the piano. I am glad you have that. It is wearing on the caregivers and while I hate that my mom is not physically with me I know that that was never her wish to live with her children. She always said she wanted to live at Copeland because she could live there forever.
Sending hugs and love your way!!! xoxo
Thanks so much, Susi. it is all good but the journey is difficult at times.
I totally agree with William above. When my parents told me they were moving from the only home I ever knew (on Long Island) to Lancaster, PA, I was pretty upset. But then I realized , and told them so, that home would always be where my loved ones are. And who you love changes, from parents, to spouse & children, to those that care for us. It’s the proverbial circle of life, one that must be fulfilled, to find eternal love. Peace to all of you!
I never really equate one single place with home since I moved as a child and as an adult but the feeling is exactly as Bill and you describe it. The place where our hearts are are usually with our loved ones.
Home is such a powerful and emotional feeling and I pray that your Mom feels at home and at peace in her new room. Prayers to your entire family as you go through the extreme emotions of dementia.
Thanks so much, Val! I really know in my heart that she is right where she should be and have to trust God to keep her in His hands. Thank you for the prayers—they help more than you can imagine.
Aww, Beth Ann, we will keep your mom and all your family in our prayers. I know my dad loved being outside or at least looking outside. He seemed more peaceful when he could see the changes in nature. He also loved to hear music. It is just hard for us because we want them to be happy because they made us happy.
Thanks, Mary Ellen. I had a hard time sleeping last night because I kept thinking about her and her first night in the new place. She actually ended up moving on Tuesday. I know she is in the best place but it is still difficult. I think she will like the view out the window in the new place and the staff seems really great already so there is that. I do put music on the tv when I am there–they have a really nice station that plays music and rotates nature pictures.
Prayers for mom that she settles in easily and well! Prayers for peace in your heart as well!
Thanks so much, Katy! It means a lot to have friends praying as well.
Thank you for sharing, you are a kind soul.
You are so sweet. Thank you so much!
Just read this post, and am thinking back to your mom’s previous homes. I didn’t see any of them as you and I were growing up–guess we lived too far apart. I do remember your mom’s New Year’s letters (instead of Christmas letters), and how very special it was to my mother to receive those yearly epistles from her only Dittus cousin. She’d read them aloud to us girls and show us the pictures. Then after your father passed away and your mom moved into her house at Copeland Oaks, sometimes when my husband and I would drive up from NC to Salem, OH, to be with my parents for a few days, they would say, “Let’s go visit Helen!” and we would have a pleasant afternoon at her home. I’m glad she was able to attend Mama’s funeral. I can only imagine how difficult this experience is for you, but Copeland Oaks’s Memory Lane sounds like a good place. You and Helen are in my prayers.
Thank you so very much, Roberta. My mom did love those visits from your parents and I know that even if her memories are a bit foggy on that these days those times with family were so important to her. It is a difficult time but there are so many like us that struggle with this disease and how to deal with the changes in our loved ones. If I could do anything in this world it would be to take this away from her but I can’t. We keep praying for more good days than bad days and that she knows that we all love her. Thank you so very much for taking the time to read my blog and leave a comment. When I write I never know who will read and why they have been brought to my blog but today you brought a smile to my face with memories of family and good times together. God Bless You.
Your description of a nursing home and dementia is spot on. Dementia is such a hard disease, for the resident and their family. I am so glad the people at her facility love her and take good care of her. Your mom and family are in my prayers.