It is a year of firsts in many ways.

I have been thinking about that a lot these days.

It is the first Mother’s Day for our daughter in law, Wendy, and one that will be the first of many with sweet Baby Theo. I remember those first Mother’s Days. They hold a very special place in my memories.

It is also the first Mother’s Day without my own mom. I know that not everyone has or had a good relationship with their mom and for various reasons Mother’s Day is not a day to celebrate. I understand that and I try to be sensitive to those who have struggled with the day for various reasons. Whether it is strained relationships or infertility issues it can be a really tough day. But today I am not speaking to those people. I am speaking for myself and from my own perspective. So if you can’t read further – please don’t. Because I miss my mom.

A lot.

I think it hit me hard two weeks ago that Mother’s Day was coming and I was motherless this year. While my mom had been unable to really “celebrate” the past few years I still felt like we had that connection. Even when her memory was fading and her mind was confused I knew deep down she was still aware of our relationship and how special it was. I was, and continue to be, grateful. Because she really was a good mom.

So what happens when you no longer have a mom living on earth? You grieve every single day. You talk to others who have lost their own moms. You share stories and memories. You cry. But you also smile because you had those experiences.

My mom believed in me. She was always proud of me. She always listened. I honestly do not remember a time when she was too busy to sit down and listen to me. In high school when I was the last child at home we had a really close relationship. I told her things she later told me she wished I hadn’t because it was hard for her to be the mother and not the friend at that point. I was always very open with her and shared things that maybe other daughters didn’t but it worked.

Later on after I was no longer working and had more time and means to travel a bit it was my joy to be able to go spend a week with her at a time. We went on adventures. We made cards. We talked and laughed. I taught her how to cut a pineapple because she loved fresh pineapple but was intimidated by buying whole ones. I hid bunnies and notes in her house for her to find later. It is those days that I remember and that make me smile.

But as I type this I am very sad because I can no longer hold her hand or hug her neck. I can no longer go visit her and get that support and love that I always had with her.

As her life ended on Christmas Day 2020 something in me ended as well and it hurts. More than I thought it would. Despite all of the memories and love we shared it still leaves a huge hole in my heart that I pray will lessen with time.

But for now, for this first Mother’s Day without her, I will allow myself to be just a little bit sad and reflective. I will allow myself to be what I need to be and do what I need to do. I might hug my loved ones a little bit tighter and hold on a little bit longer.

Thanks, Mother, for the love and the memories that I am so fortunate to have. Enjoy your first Mother’s Day in heaven and know how much you are loved.