Sometimes forgiveness is difficult and when it comes to forgiving myself I find that I am horrible at it.
Events that happen, things I have said, actions that I have done that have not been received well or have been inadequate haunt me. I know that I am hard on myself. The things that I find hard to forgive in myself are usually basically insignificant things to others. They seem to be able to brush them off after my apology and move on. But not me.
I play the scenes back in my mind time and time again. I vividly recall something that happened probably 20 years ago where I shared something with a man who was in the hospital. I thought he knew his diagnosis of pneumonia because the family had been very open about his illness. He didn’t. While it did not end the world I felt horrible and stammered around saying I had probably misunderstood. Ugh. See what I mean? That memory stays with me because it is just not in my nature to hurt someone.
I try to temper my words.
I try to think before I speak and even more so with my actions.
Because once those words or actions are out there- there is nothing you can do about them. They are there.
Social media is a tricky place at times because it is so public. When I started this blog I put limitations on myself on what I would share and what I wouldn’t share in this space. Not everything needs to be shared. I try to show some common sense when I write in this public space because I know that anyone has access to this blog. I make it public every time I hit the publish button.
I would never want to share something that would hurt a friend or a family member. If someone hurts someone I love the Mama Bear in me comes out. You mamas out there know what I mean. Those are the most difficult times for me to find forgiveness. But you know what? I do because I can’t possibly understand what is in someone else’s heart when they say or do something that hurts one of my loved ones. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt even when it is really difficult.
But the self forgiveness? That continues to be a struggle for me. My heart hurts when I realize that I have hurt another person. So I continue to try to seek forgiveness for myself and move on. I know God made my heart to be tender and compassionate and I think that is why I struggle with this.
I found this amazing thing called The Forgiveness Project.
The focus of The Forgiveness Project is to share stories of forgiveness in order to build hope, empathy and understanding. Our stories have the power to transform and change others and through this project I found so much hope and strength. I hope you will make time to check it out sometime. I think it will really touch your heart.
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Yes, it’s your tender heart that makes it so difficult for you to forgive yourself. The Forgiveness Project sounds very interesting. I’ll definitely visit the site.
Thanks, Dianna! Isn’t it funny how we are all made and how some things just roll right off of other people and don’t even cause them a second thought and then there are others like me who take everything so much to heart? I guess it is a good thing we are not all alike. Hopping over to see how your weekend was!
Thanks for sharing- about yourself and about The Forgiveness Project. I did click over and I looked at the first page and I bookmarked it for later review. Quote amazing and comprehensive.
Well you are very welcome. I think I have always been really hard on myself–that is just the way it has always been but I am working on it. You would think after 58 years I would be better at it. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
When I once read about a woman who forgave the killer of her husband and visited schools spreading the word about the power of forgiveness, I realized we are all capable of forgiveness, even of ourselves. The Forgiveness Project is a great site. xo
Now that is forgiveness. Can you imagine? But I think that is the only way you could ever move on from something like that. You have to dig deep and find that place of forgiveness. Thanks, Darlene. I needed to read that!
Definitely will check out that sight. I’m like you; I try so hard not to hurt anyone with my words and actions and if I inadvertently do so, I feel absolutely horrible and apologize over and over again.
We are so much alike in that respect. I know it is not always my “fault” but I take it to heart like you do. I am learning that I need to dial that back and realize that one sincere apology should cover it!
Forgiveness is such a personal journey. Total forgiveness is nearly impossible. Sometimes we just have to find it within ourselves to find some semblance of forgiveness and move on knowing that time might bring closure or lessen the hurt. I struggle with total forgiveness and still am haunted by a few extremely personal and painful things that have etched a scar deep in my heart, mind and spirit. I know that I am deeply flawed by these but I just can’t seem to put them aside after all the years. Hopefully God will understand and forgive me.
I truly can relate with forgiving yourself. Beth Ann. I struggle with that too even knowing the Lord has already forgiving me. Sometimes .my mouth does not work with my brain. It truly is a personal journey. Looking forward to reading the forgiveness page.
My motto has always been “forgive but not forget”. I’m probably hardest on myself, as I’m sure many of us are.
I will definitely check out the forgiveness project…
Forgiveness is such a freeing thing! And love and mercy and grace! I know that feeling, Beth and I still cringe over things done and/or left undone. I love you and I love your heart.
Isn’t it just like us to be hard on ourselves? I try to think before I speak but it does not always happen. Love you back, my friend.
If for some unimaginable reason people had failed to tell me that I had pneumonia, and I was conscious enough to hear someone finally say it, I think I’d be overwhelmed with RELIEF. “Thank God it’s only pneumonia. The way everyone was tiptoeing around I thought it was something fatal!” I think there’s more to your story than you’re telling, but it may be time to give yourself a break.
He was an elderly gentleman and I think they were trying to protect him but of course I felt like I had let the cat out of the bag. I know it was not something that I could have known that he didn’t know and it was all very innocent but he was so taken aback when I told him that I immediately wished I had not said it. It taught me a valuable lesson — let the other person tell you what is going on and don’t say too much!