Sometimes forgiveness is difficult and when it comes to forgiving myself I find that I am horrible at it.
Events that happen, things I have said, actions that I have done that have not been received well or have been inadequate haunt me. I know that I am hard on myself. The things that I find hard to forgive in myself are usually basically insignificant things to others. They seem to be able to brush them off after my apology and move on. But not me.
I play the scenes back in my mind time and time again. I vividly recall something that happened probably 20 years ago where I shared something with a man who was in the hospital. I thought he knew his diagnosis of pneumonia because the family had been very open about his illness. He didn’t. While it did not end the world I felt horrible and stammered around saying I had probably misunderstood. Ugh. See what I mean? That memory stays with me because it is just not in my nature to hurt someone.
I try to temper my words.
I try to think before I speak and even more so with my actions.
Because once those words or actions are out there- there is nothing you can do about them. They are there.
Social media is a tricky place at times because it is so public. When I started this blog I put limitations on myself on what I would share and what I wouldn’t share in this space. Not everything needs to be shared. I try to show some common sense when I write in this public space because I know that anyone has access to this blog. I make it public every time I hit the publish button.
I would never want to share something that would hurt a friend or a family member. If someone hurts someone I love the Mama Bear in me comes out. You mamas out there know what I mean. Those are the most difficult times for me to find forgiveness. But you know what? I do because I can’t possibly understand what is in someone else’s heart when they say or do something that hurts one of my loved ones. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt even when it is really difficult.
But the self forgiveness? That continues to be a struggle for me. My heart hurts when I realize that I have hurt another person. So I continue to try to seek forgiveness for myself and move on. I know God made my heart to be tender and compassionate and I think that is why I struggle with this.
I found this amazing thing called The Forgiveness Project.
The focus of The Forgiveness Project is to share stories of forgiveness in order to build hope, empathy and understanding. Our stories have the power to transform and change others and through this project I found so much hope and strength. I hope you will make time to check it out sometime. I think it will really touch your heart.
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