I knew the day was coming.
Just not when.
August 30, 2018
My mom did not know who I was.
It’s been a very long couple of weeks for my family but the purpose of this blog post is not to make my readers feel sad or feel sorry for us. Not at all.
Because we are just one family out of many that is experiencing the effects of dementia on a loved one. We are not alone and it helps to hear from others who have walked this road before us.
My mom looked at me with unfocused eyes and said “Who are you?”.
I knew it was coming but had hoped it would be later rather than sooner.
I answered that I was her youngest daughter Beth.
She quickly piped up “Ann”. So I knew she still knew me. Growing up I was Beth but she often called me Beth Ann. We played the game for a couple of days. I would say “Beth” and she she answer “Ann”. She still knows that she knows me – just not exactly who I am.
Yes, it’s difficult but as I watch the memories leave and answer the same question for the 100th time I realize that this is part of life and I am privileged to be able to spend as much time with her this past week as I have.
Our little family of 4 siblings has grown closer than we have ever been and all 4 of us were together with her this past Saturday. She didn’t really know us, there was a lot of chattering and talking and she got very tired but I am glad we were all there together. Making memories.
While my mom would be horrified that I shared this picture of her it is important for me to document The Village. Always in birth order- Paula, Chris, Mark and Beth (Ann).
We call ourselves The Village because it takes a village to take care of her right now. Emails and texts fly back and forth daily. My brother Mark lives in Arizona and is the only one of us not in the Eastern Time Zone. He says he hears his phone ting very early in the morning and thinks “the Village is up”.
I do have to head home eventually and when I do it will be so difficult. I have spent my days with her, reassuring her, making sure she eats and trying to keep her amused. Sticker books and easy crafts have occupied a little of our time, reading and listening to music, talking and trying to soothe her worries provide distractions and diversions for days when she just wants to go to sleep to avoid thinking about her current state of affairs.
I made Mark do a sticker page as well. I couldn’t let my mom have all the fun!
But I am fine. She is still my mom, she still knows she loves me and yesterday when I walked by her she said “come here”. I did and she gave me the absolute best hug I have had in a very long time. That, my friends, is what it is all about. The love in our family is strong.
48 Comments
Leave a commentYou so beautifully cobble together words in just the right way. You honor your mother so well. Thank you for sharing this raw experience. Love you. Thinking of you and the Village.
Thanks so much. I love my mother so much and it hurts to see her so sad and alone and confused. It is going to be so difficult to leave her this time but I know the Village will pitch in whon I can’t be here. Thanks, Jen.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family! You are blessed to have each other!
Thanks Katy. We are so blessed and not all families can say that they get along and agree on things like this. God has truly been there in our midst.
And you have it right! She will always know you are someone very important to her; even when she can’t put a label on that relationship. And really, labels aren’t the important part! HUGS!
Exactly! Just as long as she feels the love and gets the care she needs. That is what matters most!
Hugs hugs hugs!
Thanks, thanks, thanks!
Surrounding all of you in love and prayers.
Thank you so much, Ann. I love that you are always here for me to vent to. Love ya mean it.
The love and care with which you and your siblings take care of your mom is not only binding you together closer but your children learn from you all. They watch you loving her and each other. We are praying for you.
Thanks for those words. Yes, you are correct. The kids do see what we are doing and they see how the family is so important. I had not really thought of that before but you are totally right about it. Their compassion is increasing as is ours.
Making memories and spending time together are what life is all about. Thanks for sharing this journey with us as it truly is all about the people in our lives that matter. Surrounding you and your family in prayer today, my friend.
Thanks so much, Sara. You are correct–it is about the people in our lives that matter and I would do just about anything for my sweet mom who is totally different than she used to be. She is still in there and that is what I remember when she is crabby and grumpy. 🙂 Thanks for the sweet words and the prayers, my friend.
You are blessed to be part of a loving family and how wonderful that you were all there together. I love that you call yourself The Village. It is perfect. My heart is with all of you as are my prayers for your dear mom. Sending many hugs your way. xo
We are so wonderfully blessed and we know it. It has been a journey and will continue to be one but we feel the love and support of many and that helps so much more than you know.
Oh, so hard. Thanks for sharing your struggle. Praying for you all.
Thanks Gretchen. We appreciate all the prayers.
Prayers😢
Thanks, Robie. WE count on those prayers.
Tears in my eyes for all of you. Sending you love….. <3
Thank you, Marci.
We have walked this path and I understand how heart breaking it can be. Daddy always knew we were related but at times he would confuse me with his baby sister toward the end. He never forgot Mama thankfully but she was the only one he knew 100%. Knowing the love and many memories you’ve shared makes it confusing in your mind how they could possibly not remember but I tried to think of it like a veil over things that made it hard for them to know who we are. You are strong and are doing all you can to make her path easier. That’s wonderful so don’t doubt that somewhere inside she is recognizing the love you are showing her. God bless and comfort your family through this journey.
Thanks so much for your words, Annette. It really does help to hear what others have experienced and are experiencing. I just know we are not alone. There are so many others who walk this road with grace and dignity. Your daddy was such a wonderful man and I was so glad that I got a little chance to know him. I am so grateful for people like you who share the stories. It helps me to write it out and maybe, just maybe, someone else will be helped as a result.
((empathy hug)) It’s a horrible feeling when someone doesn’t know you. It can come and go for years, as well. My husband reached a point where he’d wake up and honestly not see the difference between friends and relatives sitting beside him. (Was I his ex-wife? I’m legally White and she was indisputably Black, but whatever. Or maybe, if someone mentioned it, I might be his niece.) Sometimes, but increasingly less often, if he got interested in a conversation he remembered which person was whom and cared which one was with him, so the “whatever they think, just create a moment of joy” approach would not have worked. But as long as he knew it was *a* family member, he seemed increasingly less concerned about which one.
(He didn’t have Alzheimer’s Disease, wasn’t old enough. Late stage cancer produced its own kind of…not dementia so much as seldom having the energy to wake up completely?)
What a difficult thing you must have had to endure. Anytime something like this happens it is just so difficult on those who care and there is no magic formula as I am sure you know. I am glad you were able to provide some comfort for him.
Your family’s love shines through on this difficult path to walk and your mom feels every single loving thought, word, and action. What a blessing that your ‘Village” could all be together and that you are able to spend this time with her. Still praying for you.
Thanks so much, Cindy. We truly are blessed. We have always gotten along well and I attribute that to a loving environment growing up. My parents set great examples for us and we are determined to work together for her best care. Thanks so much for the prayers.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this too. It is one of the hardest parts of life. My mom is not doing well at all. She is just now starting to get us confused. She still knows enough to know that she is getting everything confused, and it really frustrates her. Dementia is a horrible disease! Praying for you and your family as you navigate through this journey with your mom.
I am so sorry to hear that about your mom. I love your mom! And yes–my mom knows that she is confused sometimes -at least up until about a month ago. It is tough. And she knows that she knows but can’t quite pull up the names or the memories. I made a Helen’s Family scrapbook which has all of the family pictures and large labels with names (her eyesight is bad as well) and she has enjoyed looking at that and remembering but it is all part of the process. I am praying for you and your mom as you navigate this horrible disease as well.
While I did get a little teary eyed reading this, I appreciate you sharing your story with us. It’s a tough journey but I feel always dotted with small, important moments that we will always cherish. Sending you hugs!
Yes. It is all about finding the extraordinary in those ordinary moments. She had the hiccups the other day and we both got hysterical because she did not understand what they were and why they were happening. Seriously –we laughed and laughed so hard and it was like old times. I guess we both needed it. I finally gave her a glass of water and they disappeared. 🙂
Beth Ann, your sweet Mother is so blessed to have her Village by her side. She may not remember the names of her children but she know without a doubt she is LOVED I pray our Lord gives you ALL the peace , comfort, and strength only HE can. <3.
Thanks so much, Shirley. We feel the prayers at work and know that HE is in control of it all. We are so blessed in so many ways.
I love that you call yourselves The Village! That is just so good! I find that there is also a lot of grieving on the go as you walk this path. I grieve (and have grieved) so much for the woman my mother used to be. BUT, the blessing is that I can hear her strong, calm, sensible voice in my head giving me reassurance. I bet you can do that too with your dear mom. I know that the woman my mother was would laugh at the antics of this woman that she has become now. It is a hard thing when she can’t remember the name or even the face. And that has happened with each of my siblings and the grandchildren. Mitchell was the last name that she held on to – I often wondered if that was because of the traumatic circumstances of his birth? You are doing all of the right, loving things for your mom and with your siblings. I love you dear friend and am holding you in prayer as you walk this path.
Chris and I talk often of your mother and how long this has been a constant in her life and how faithful you are to honor her and keep her at the forefront of your life. Not everyone can or would do that but that is who you are! God is certainly walking with us during this journey and we feel Him every step of the way. I agree–my mom would giggle at some of the things that she says or does and there are moments when she is clear about things and poses a really great question. I cling to those and try to do what I can to keep her safe and content. Thanks for your encouragement and your love. You are my hero.
As always, here 8 minutes away for The Village ! I love you all and my other mother.
We are so glad you are so close and love that you are so willing to stop by to see her. She loves you like a daughter for sure and you bring a smile to her face. Thank you!
I wish I could I could give you a hug in person. I know she loves you very much too.
Thanks, Jeni. I feel your hug across the miles and love that you sent it. Thanks. Love you and miss you.
Thanks for sharing those tough moments in life in such a loving way. As we all face that dreaded time it’s the memories that we hold on to that help us through those difficult times. My mom will always be a wonderful memory and source of encouragement even after Dementia and Alzheimer’s took away her memory and eventually her life.
Thanks, Ozzie. There are so many that have walked the road before us and continue to walk it and the more we share the more we learn how to deal with it. I am so grateful for those who have shared their wisdom. Thanks for your kind words and thinking of your wonderful mother today as well.
A sad time of life expressed as tenderly as possible. Actually I think a person grieves twice, once the dementia sets in and once the physical presence is gone. What a blessing it is to have a “Village”. Take care!
Thanks so much, Rhonda. We are so blessed to have so much support and love coming our way for our mom. She is loved by so many and it is obvious.
So glad you have a “village.” Sending hugs to each one of you.
Thanks so much Patti. I appreciate your kind words. The Village thanks you.
I am weeping. Weeping for your loss, your joy, that hug, the love of The Village, your ability to share this with all of us. Thank you for this gift from the heart. So many of us are here, or near, with our parents. The support and encouragement you give through your positive outlook are an inspiration.
Many prayers, much love and one big warm hug wrapping you in comfort, Beth Ann!
Thanks so much, Audrey. The Village is pretty awesome and we are blessed to have one another. And my mom has blessed us for so many years that now it is our turn to help take care of her the best that we can. I am actually doing better with this than I thought I would. I guess reality kicked in and I just knew I had to cope with it and not be sad about it. And the prayers—that in reality is what is really helping a lot. Thank you.