Should I stay or should I go? The phrase that has been rolling around in my brain since last Friday night.
Let me explain.
I shared just last week about my last visit with my mom who lives in a memory care unit at Copeland Oaks in Sebring, Ohio. I got so many comments and reactions to that post (you can read it here) and I thank each one of you for those.
What I am finding more and more is that the distance from North Carolina to Ohio is really far when I feel like I need to be with my mom.
She was transported to the hospital on Friday night, Initially they thought she had had a stroke based upon her behavior but tests and analysis proved this was not the case. Next they suspected a reoccurrence of a GI bleed that she had had almost 2 years ago to the date. Finally on Monday they decided that she had congestive heart failure and started treatment for that.
Fortunately I have a sister and brother who both live about an hour and half from her which is a far cry from the over 9 hours that it would take me to get there if I drove. They and their spouses have stepped in and managed all of the information, visits and care that comes with a hospital stay for a loved one.
And yet I continue to struggle with the “Should I Go or Should I Stay ” scenario. It is tough being this far away from her and knowing that she must be scared and feeling alone when she is awake and alert. I checked out flights and did preliminary planning with rental cars, hotels and the such and it was proving to be a logistical nightmare due to our previous plans for the weekend trip to Jacksonville and Chris’s business trips on both sides. We were leaving cars at airports, driving to meet each other, leaving a car for Chris, and the whole scenario was giving me a massive headache.
Then it hit me. I can not control the situation. I just needed to let go of that control and allow God to be in control. I needed to allow my siblings to be the ones to be there during this time and trust that they could do what was best for my mom. She is getting good care, the hospital staff is trained to do their job and I just have to trust that she is getting the care she is needing at this time. Plus I know my mom. Even with dementia she would fret about me driving and spending time away from my husband (even if we weren’t going to be together) .
So I decided that unless something changes drastically I will do what I had originally planned and make the trip to Ohio next week when I can provide some much needed relief for my siblings. I have no idea how long she will be in the hospital and where she will be going upon discharge. I know the congestive heart failure is very common and that it can be controlled but that it is going to be part of her continued medical treatment now.
I have felt the support from so many friends on my decision to stay and being able to talk to my mom briefly has helped a lot. Decisions like this are always so difficult but I know many of us have to make tough decisions like this every day. Please keep my mom in your thoughts and prayers if you will and don’t miss a chance to tell your loved ones that you love them.
And now- for your listening pleasure because it is what is in my brain on repeat.
24 Comments
Leave a commentOh how I understand that dilemma — it pops up in so many ways. However, I love that you were able to get to that place of peace about it. Letting go and letting God, right? And you will find that God will have you with your mom at just the right time. As I write this, one of my best friends is grieving the loss of her daughter. I am here with her now, but I am leaving soon to drive with Leslie to Oregon. The other best friend, lives in Virginia and hates that she is not here right now. BUT she will be here while I am away with Leslie – God will have her here at just the right time. JUST like God will have you with your sweet mom at just the right time. And you will be a dear relief to your siblings. But oh, I understand your feelings and praying for God’s peace to continue to hold you and to hold your mom.
I know that you understand and I love all of your wonderful advice and suggestions. I take your experiences with me and know that with God’s help we will navigate these waters. Thank you my friend.
I started my blog years ago based on a book of memoirs about my late mother’s journey through Alzheimer’s/Dementia. As her only child, I became her sole caregiver and the target of all the negatives the dreaded disease can inflict on both the individual and the families involved. Through my own research and first-hand experiences, I quickly became somewhat of an expert with the ravages of this disease. Sadly, even having so much of this knowledge did little to soften the fact that I had become nothing more than a stranger to this familiar face in my life.
Not everyone experiences this, of course. For many, there is some element of recognition from a loved one. Hang onto that for as long as possible but express your feelings, while you can. Say your goodbyes, while you can. Reach for that necessary closure, while you can.
I never had those opportunities. My mother left twice in my life, without saying goodbye. The first was when Alzheimer’s took control, the second was the day she passed away.
Thoughts and prayers for your mom, you and your family, Beth Ann.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words and witness to your own mother’s journey. I do feel like I have had some really great moments with my mom over the past month and as I drive to Ohio on Tuesday I am hopeful that I will have a few more and glimpses of her. Right now I am primarily concerned about her physical care in the rehab facility and feel that I need to be there to be her advocate and a presence there so they know that she is more than a woman who can’t remember and who sometimes is not anchored in reality. And so I will go and do what I can do to advocate for her, to smooth the rough edges and to make sure that she is comfortable and loved. We now call our family “the village” who helps with her care which is a good thing because it does take a village. Thanks again for the thoughts and prayers. It’s how we are getting through.
I can see the dilemma in these touch choices. I remember my mom traveling to and from Ohio from Minnesota to take care of her parents. Back then I didn’t realize how tough that must have been.
Well I don’t think we ever really know what someone else is going through and sacrificing during times like this. I have to trust God a little bit more in all of this and it is not easy for me to give up control sometimes. This is one of those times but I am learning my limitations.
It is tough having all those miles between you and your mom. I reiterate that you made the right decision. You will be needed when you are able to travel to Ohio. Of that I am certain. Too many people around at the same time can be stressful, too, for a person who is hospitalized. That you got to talk to your mom helped a lot, I’m sure.
I continue to pray for her and for you, that you will have peace.
Thanks so much for the prayers. I rely on those and feel them across the miles.
I feel for you as I’ve been there. I do believe you made the right decision though and your visit next week will be all the more enjoyable. Giving up that control thing is never easy.
Thank you for your kind words. I did feel a sense of peace when I finally made the decision and it will all work out.
I know firsthand how very difficult it is to be so many miles away when a parent faces a serious health crisis and you wrestle with the decision of whether to go or stay. We lived all the way across the country when my mom was hospitalized and received a cancer diagnosis that eventually took her life. That’s when we learn to fully rely on our God I think. And He blesses us for that reliance and trust. In my case, we had just made the decision to move back to our home state, so a few months later, I was able to spend all my Mom’s remaining time here on earth with her. God knows just the right time to send you to your Mom’s side. I’m keeping her and you in my prayers.
Your words have helped me a great deal. It is not easy to be away from my mom but I do have the luxury of not working and being able to go pretty much anytime I am needed. I had to trust that my siblings that live in Ohio could do for her just as well as I could until I get there and that was hard for me for some reason. But I am learning each day that I need to just trust HIM more . Thank for the prayers. Feeling them.
So many of us know how you feel, We know the struggles. I feel you did the right thing by turning it over to our Lord. We sometimes forget in these struggles there is SOMEONE WHO KNOWS WHAT RIGHT. Your Mother, you, and your family are in my prayers. <3
Exactly—HE does know what is right and I do feel as if I made the right decision. I was able to spend some nice time with our sons and their significant others and feel refreshed and ready to take on what is ahead. Thanks for the prayers.
Wishing you the best!
Thanks, Josh!
((empathy hug))
Thank you!
Prayers for trust at this time!
Thank you so much!
These decisions are so tough. But in the end things will work out the way they are supposed to. And being able to give your brother and sister some relief when you go later is probably a good idea. Hang in there! Sending positive vibes and love your way!
Thank so much. I made the right deciosn and now I can go and stay for an extended time as needed and right now it seems like it might be a couple of weeks. We will see. Thanks for the positive vibes!
As you know, I’ve gone through the same exact thought process. I finally decided to go! I’m sure I’ll see you! And hopefully I’ll help you and our other siblings shoulder the load, albeit too briefly, on my part. Being 2000 miles from family definitely has its downside…
I agree with you—being far away at this point is difficult but the good thing is that we all work together and make the load lighter for each other. Your support and encouragement from afar means a lot!