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February 9, 2022

When Grief is Real

12 Comments/ 75/ 0

Grief is real. Some days grief seems so much more present than other days and my years of experience with grief allows me to realize that that is just how grief is. It never really goes away and while missing our loved ones who have passed may be a bit easier as the days pass, it is always there, always at the back of our mind, reminding us of what we have lost.

Elisabeth Kubler- Ross is probably the one that most people equate with the stages of grief. She outlined the five stages:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Of course what I, and many others have learned, is that the grief process does not necessarily go in order. Nor does it happen on any particular time table. It is different for every individual.

Bottom line – there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a very personal experience.

With my mother’s death in December 2020 I found myself immersed in just remembering when she was healthier. Times when we were able to be together in the moment without memory or health issues. Childhood memories were especially vivid during this time. It helped me to remember those happier moments when my mom was really my mom.

Disease and memory loss often rob us of our loved ones before we are ready to let them go and it is important to remind ourselves to live in the moment with them and do everything within our power to make memories together. Now not all family relationships are healthy or happy ones but fortunately for me the relationships I had with parents and with other family members were/are positive ones.

Recently two of my very good friends lost their own mothers within 2 weeks of one another. One was a woman I had never met and the other the mother of my best friend here in Brevard. I was privileged to be able to be a very small part of her life the past couple of years and I must admit that her death rocked me a little bit. It brought up all of those feelings of grief for my own mother and if I am honest it was a little bit tough at times.

But that is what grief is like. It shows up. It continues to show up and remind us of what we are missing. That human form of the person that we so loved for so many years.

On those days when I feel the grief and sadness the strongest I try to focus my mind on the memories that I have that are happy ones. I try to remind myself that my mother is indeed in a much better place outside of a failing body and mind. I also remind myself that our time here on earth is just temporary and that it is important to make the most of each and every moment.

I take comfort in the words of that favorite hymn – It is Well With my Soul by Horatio Spafford.

  1. When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
    When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
    It is well, it is well with my soul.
    • Refrain:
      It is well with my soul,
      It is well, it is well with my soul.
  2. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
    Let this blest assurance control,
    That Christ hath regarded my helpless estate,
    And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
  3. My sin—oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!—
    My sin, not in part but the whole,
    Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
    Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
  4. For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
    If Jordan above me shall roll,
    No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
    Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
  5. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
    The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
    Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord!
    Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!
  6. And Lord, haste the day when the faith shall be sight,
    The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
    The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
    Even so, it is well with my soul.
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12 Comments

Leave a comment
  1. jena c. henry
    February 09, 2022 at 08:22 am

    Beautiful hymn! I wish I could hug you right now!

    Reply
    1. Beth Ann Chiles
      February 09, 2022 at 08:24 am

      I feel your hug long distance!

      Reply
  2. Sandy Wall
    February 09, 2022 at 08:31 am

    I first heard that hymn at the funeral of a 22 year old friend 40 years ago. It made me cry then and still makes me cry. Verses 5 and 6 are powerful.

    Reply
  3. Susi K.
    February 09, 2022 at 09:00 am

    Grief certainly is a strange thing and some days are easier then others. Sending you lots of love. ❤️

    Reply
  4. dawnkinster
    February 09, 2022 at 09:13 am

    I saw your title and immediately thought, “How are you doing, Beth Ann?” Because I know that you are always missing your mom. Me too. Always, every day, and for me it’s been 17 years. Which seems such a long time but really was nothing but an instant. Sending you and your two friends who are also experiencing such a huge loss, hugs.

    Reply
    1. Beth Ann Chiles
      February 09, 2022 at 09:36 am

      Aw–thanks. I am doing fine but you know some days it just hits me as I am sure it hits you as well. Losing a parent is just such a defining moment in time. Thanks for the hugs!

      Reply
  5. Minnesota Prairie Roots
    February 09, 2022 at 10:14 am

    Thank you for writing this grief post today. I am still in the early processing stages of grief, as you know. Yesterday was tough as I watched the online funeral service for my cousin’s stepson. Dan, only 43, died last week after struggling with depression and PTSD. He was an Iraqi War veteran. But the pastor gave such a comforting message of hope, which helped. Just as you have helped me in my grief. Thank you. I know you miss your mom every day…thank God for the promised reunion with her in heaven.

    Reply
  6. Darlene
    February 09, 2022 at 10:52 am

    It is amazing what can bring it on. Sometimes it just shows up and other times something triggers it. It´s been 47 years since we lost our dear brother at age 19 and it still hits me. He was so young and had so much going for him. It seems so unfair. I think I am stuck in the anger stage. I miss mom and dad but accept it was their time. I am comforted that they are all together now.

    Reply
    1. dawnkinster
      February 10, 2022 at 12:22 pm

      I’m so sorry about your brother! I can’t imagine ever losing any of my siblings, though I’ve thought about it now that we’re all old(er). To lose one at age 19, I would be angry too. Hugs.

      Reply
  7. Tonya Summers
    February 09, 2022 at 11:46 am

    Love that hymn. Thinking of you.

    Reply
  8. .
    February 09, 2022 at 10:59 pm

    This year will be 50 yrs. sense my Momma passed. I still have moments like you speak of. Sometimes the pain is like it just happen. We learn how to handle it but they always remind in our heart and memories. I so thankful to our Lord for that.

    Reply
  9. Shirley Matthews Dunn
    February 09, 2022 at 11:02 pm

    This year will be 50 yrs. sense my Momma passed. I still have moments like you speak of. Sometimes the pain is like it just happen. We learn how to handle it but they always remind in our heart and memories. I so thankful to our Lord for that.

    Reply

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