Before you start reading this blog post PLEASE understand one thing. I do not write about my mom’s journey through dementia to make anyone feel sorry for me or to try to garner some sort of attention for myself. Quite the contrary is the actual fact. I write to remind myself that I am not alone on this journey and that my situation is much less than what many folks have to go through. I write to remind myself years later of the stages of dementia and what my mom “used” to be like. If this is not your cup of tea, if it causes too much pain and anxiety then by all means – do not read any further.
The latest things going on in my Mother’s life include falling, low Vitamin D levels and some sporadic fainting spells. We as her children (the Village) have talked long and hard about what the future looks like and what medical measures and steps should be taken. Fortunately we are all in agreement and that is a true blessing.
My latest trip to see her went fairly well and while she never said my name out loud I know she knew I was family. That is something, right? When I visited her both times during my time in Ohio my brother Mark was with me and since he sees her usually only during his once a year trip to Ohio it was somewhat of a special time
But what also is occurring is more quietness, more reluctance to join in the conversations because the words don’t come out correctly and more confusion about reality. It can be heartbreaking to watch her struggle to remember something so I have learned the “change the subject quickly” habit, as well as the talk incessantly habit. I always have been the one to probe and pull the other person out in conversations so it is a bit of a switch to try to fill in the blanks with my own words but at times I find that is what I am doing.
One of the things that my three other siblings and I did during our time together was to go through the bins and boxes of items that were stored after her last move to the Memory Lane unit. As we sorted and sorted I realized that this is actually what is usually done after a death. At times I must admit it feels almost like that. No longer can I just pick up the phone and call her to chat, to tell her what is going on in my life, to share the joys and the challenges, to just simply share with her. Those days are gone forever and while I am accepting of this stage of her life I must admit that I miss my Mommy.
But the by product of doing the sorting was actually pretty wonderful. Time with my other three siblings (and spouses), looking at pictures and memorabilia and possessions that meant something to my parents had me reeling with emotion. I realized that our lives are still intertwined with the history of our family. we are strong, we love one another and support one another in every way that we can. We are all there for my mom in whatever way we can be and that is a tribute to her for raising us to honor those relationships.
Even though the road ahead for my mom may be less than wonderful I know that we all have really great memories that we can share with her each time we visit to allow her to know that she lived a life full of meaning and worth. Even if she can’t remember it – she was a truly wonderful mother. And in the end that is all that matters to me.
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13 Comments
Leave a commentYes, yes, yes, to everything that you write! You have to grieve the mother that you used to have; you learn to love this new mother. Honestly, I have caught myself saying, “when my mother was alive.”
So glad that you and your siblings are going through this together – as are me and mine. Wouldn’t your parents be so proud of you?!!
Love and hugs always!
Thank you, Virginia. It is so helpful to have supportive family and friends like you who totally understand the stages of this disease. While my mom is on the journey I realize even more deeply how much I love her and how wonderful our life with our parents was. Especially when I talk to others who have had less than wonderful relationships. Thanks so much for your love and support across the miles.
Hi Beth Ann. I’m sorry to learn of this. I’m glad you’re writing about it. I think it is healing to do so for your own self as well as others. It’s a difficult journey. Take care of yourself my friend.
Thank you so much, Christine, for your kind words. I have been writing about my mom’s disease for awhile now on the blog and it took me a little bit of time to decide to to that but it does help, doesn’t it? To connect with others who know the disease first hand and the toll it takes really helps to know that we are not alone in this at all. Thank you again for your support–it means a lot to me.
Going through your mother´s things can be very therapeutic and always better while they are still with us. So good to hear your siblings helped and you all agree on major decisions. I feel bad for those who have to do all of this alone. Sending hugs your way.
Crying over here in Norway as you talk about your family’s journey. Hugs.
Beth Ann, you did nothing wrong here. The issues you face are not uncommon and in many ways you and your family are grieving a death. I saw the autopsy report of my father-in-law and he had dementia and it gave great insight as to what we going on inside his brain. What your mother is going through is a nightmare and sadly all you can do is to be there for her and the reality of life that as we age rolls do get reversed. I don’t want you to think that your writing about this is a bad thing because it never will be. I am sure when someone reads your post they will be inspired. When my wife had her 2 open heart surgeries within 9 days of each other at the end of 2015 we thought it was over. Medically there is no reason we still have her and yes I live is this constant fear that I will find her gone? The thing is it’s about the miracle and not the medical stuff. How many years did you have her before this hit? That’s the miracle. It’s a miracle it didn’t hit years earlier. It’s a miracle how much she has cherished you and your siblings. You are the woman you are today because of her unconditional love for you and your siblings.When my wife’s health turned bad her cardiac surgeon gave me this advice and it has helped so much. If there are negative people in your life they needed to be gone yesterday. I am sorry I got long winded on you here but when I saw this my heart just broke for you and your family. Take Care mike
Beth Ann, your post is laced with honesty and love as you and your family face this new reality. My heart grieves for you as you continue to “miss” your Mama. When you write these poignant posts, it helps those of us who have not gone through this experience understand a little better what it’s like to deal with a loved one with dementia. Personally, I didn’t have to face that as both my parents succumbed to cancer and my in-laws to a massive stroke (at 93) and kidney failure (at 87). Cherish your memories as I know you will do and know a friend here is praying for you. (And sending you virtual hugs.) ♥
Beth Ann, my heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry this is happening. You are so brave, and I am thankful that you have your family and your siblings to lean on. But look at your mother’s beautiful face in that photo. She is smiling. She feels love. She feels happiness in that moment. That, in itself, is a blessing. What a treasure it is to know that we are loved, and clearly, from the look on her face, you can see that here. What greater gift can you give—or receive?
You and yours will be in my prayers. Always wishing you the best!
As hard as this journey is Beth Ann, you and your family still have wonderful memories to comfort you. My heart goes out to you all. Find comfort also in being ever to hug and kiss her still. I lost my Mama when she was 39. May our Lord give you all the peace, comfort, and strength only HE can.
Of course, this makes me cry for I am at this same place with my mom. I miss her, the mom I could call and talk to and laugh with. I hope to see her next week. God willing.
You have absolutely nothing to apologize for or explain about writing about this journey with your mom. So many of love getting updates on the family.