Last week I spent some time in Ohio and of course the main reason was to go see my mom. I just had to make a trip before Aaron and Erin’s wedding on September 21st and see her. Something just kept sticking in my mind that I needed to make that happen so with encouragement from Mr. Diamond I made the trip. Sometimes I just have to listen to that inner voice that nudges me and I am so glad I did.
When I visit my mom at her Memory Lane room in Copeland Oaks I never know what I will find. This time I found her to be in pretty good spirits and happy to have company even if she wasn’t really sure who I was. I know that that sounds really difficult but it really is getting easier at times to accept that this is where she is at mentally. Her memory has gotten even worse since my last visit about 6 weeks ago and she would ask a question and a minute later ask the exact same question.
I had taken a couple of framed pictures for her room. One was of my dad and one was of the two of them that was taken in 1993 the year before he died. She has photo albums and other pictures on her walls but I thought it might be nice for her to have a small picture that she could see easily on her dresser. When I gave her the picture of Daddy she stroked the frame, studied it a long time and questioned me as to who it was. When I told her it was Paul, her husband, she responded “I thought so”.
We talked a little bit about his name really being Walter Paul but that he went by Paul and she asked three more times what his name was. Then she repeated “Paul, Paul, Paul” about ten times and said she just couldn’t understand why she could not remember it. Then she looked at me with a sweet look on her face and said “He was a good one, wasn’t he?”. To which I responded “Yes–he was a really good one”. So she knew. She remembered. And in that moment that is all that mattered.
I must admit that after this trip and my 3 separate visits with her I keep asking myself why dementia is taking my mom away from me and how that fits into the whole plan of things. It is heartbreaking to hear her ask if she can “get out of here” and go someplace “down there” . I still have not figured out where “down there” is but I did manage to get her to understand in that moment that she had made the decision a long time ago to be in this place where they have all the things that she needs. She is sad that her life is not what she thought it would be and I am sad as well. But I am so glad that I still have her with me. Even if I have to answer the same question twenty times in 20 minutes it makes no difference. She still gives me the best hugs and in those moments I know she knows me.
One of my good friends, Virginia, who has been my rock through these times of navigating the dementia journey lost her own mom the last part of August after years and years of seeing her mom slip away to the disease. She was the devoted daughter and I have always held her up as the best caregiver and daughter there could be. Her grace and her love of her mother have been such an example to me over the years and I grieve her loss of her mother as well. But what a privilege we have to be the daughters of these strong women who have raised us and who have allowed us to return just a small portion of what they provided for us over the years. I count that as joy.
What do I expect to find the next time I visit my mom? I honestly do not know but I do know that while she may not always know me I know her and I will continue to love her and do all in my power to make our visits something special.
Thank you, as always, for sharing my journey. Leave me a comment and remember that all comments this month mean a 50 cent donation to our Comments for a Cause – Donors Choose.
30 Comments
Leave a commentThinking of you and your mom with love. I enjoy hearing about her and seeing her sweet self in the photos.
Thank you so much! I always wonder if I should share and then someone affirms that they are going through similar things and I hope that it helps them to read that there are moments that just need to be shared so that I can remember them later. Thank you for your support and kind words.
Blessings
Thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing these visits with your dear mom. It was nice to hear that she remembered your dad as “a good one”. How precious. It shows that that bond was strong and still is. I’m glad you made the trip. Sending hugs. xo
Thank you, Darlene. She did have the sweetest expression on her face as she looked at his picture and I hope that it brings her some happiness in the next few weeks as she looks at it even if she can’t remember his name each time. Thanks for the hugs.
Sending you one really big hug and lots of prayers!
Thanks, Katy! Feeling all the love!
Beth Ann, you’re an inspiration to me! While you don’t have the day-to-day interaction and caregiving tasks to juggle, you do have to deal with your mom’s dementia. I’ve got my mom every day — which has its own challenges — but thankfully, she’s still sharp mentally. Both of us are fortunate to be the daughters of strong women!!
Thanks so much, Debbie. I am sure that having your mom with you every day is a blessing but brings challenges of its own as well. We just never know how life is going to go, do we? I never thought that this would be where my mom would be but i am so very grateful for the many people that care for her in our absence and who make sure she is safe and comfortable. Those are the real angels in this story, that is for sure. And yes—strong women are the best moms!
Beth Ann, you are fortunate that your mom is loving and kind. Dementia has robbed my mom of the love she had for me. Sometimes my real mom shows up, and I treasure those moments. But, most of the time my loving mom has been replaced with someone I know longer recognize. Dementia is a terrible disease!
Tara, I am so sorry that your loving mom has been replaced and while my mom had a couple of weeks of being very angry and hateful thank goodness that phase has passed. There are so many different aspects to this disease and I just always am aware that it is still my mom inside there someplace. It is a horrible disease and no one would wish it on anyone. I am so sorry that your mom is suffering but so glad she has you to continue to love on her during the bad days. Sending lots of love your way to you and sweet Joyce.
Beth Ann, when I was reading your blog today my heart was sad and happy for you. I agree you are blessed to have your beautiful Mom still with you. I am very inspired of how yo deal with your Mom and your journey. You and your Mom are both strong and beautiful souls. God bless you both.
Thank you so much, Shirley. One day at a time, one visit at a time, we are getting through this time together. i am so grateful to the people that take care of her every single day.
I have no idea what it would be like to travel the journey you are on, but I do know that you are handling it with grace and courage and love and patience. All of those things are exactly what I imagine your mom needs.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I just want to honor my mom, you know? I know there are so many people in the same situation or similar situations and my hope by sharing is that someone else can feel that they are not alone.
Oh, Beth Ann, such a tough journey. I wish I had words of wisdom for you… but you don’t really need them, you are doing what you do best, being you and sharing your love!!! xoxo
Susi, thank you so much. I write all this down in hopes that someone out there realizes that they are not alone if they are walking the same journey.
You are walking this walk with such grace and strength. And your mom, like my mom, are blessed to receive the love and care that they modeled and taught us to give!
I love you!
Love you back. You just have no idea how your walk with your mom has impacted me. Keeping you in my prayers.
I’m so sorry! I really can’t imagine what your family is going through!
Oh Missy–so many people go through even worse things but it helps me to be able to share it and to capture the moments of life with my mom that are still really good moments. I have had such a wonderful life with her and I miss the old mom but am grateful I still have her. Thanks so much for your sweet words. They mean a great deal to me!
Oh, friend. What a beautiful moment with your mom. Thank you for sharing her with us. 💗
Thank you, Andrea. It helps, as you well know, to write it out. ❤️
Those few moments of clarity make it worthwhile. Continuing to keep you in my prayers.
Indeed they do. Thank you, friend, for the prayers.
Sitting here a little teary over you and your mom. Clearly she is a good one too.
Thanks, Dawn.
Oh, Beth Ann, I’m thankful you had this visit with your sweet mama. I know it’s difficult and heartbreaking to see her like this. But your positive attitude is to be emulated. I love that sentence about her hug, how she still knows you in that close embrace. I feel the same about my dear sweet mama.
There is just something that disease and time can never take away from me and that is the love of my mom. I know it is there and in that hug I definitely knew it. Thinking of you as you journey with your mom during this difficult time as well.